| the music that can't be seen, but felt |
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oranje. |
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disgusting thais.. performed 22:22 ©
why the vicious cycle. looking at the positives, derailed by the negatives; scream in silence, almost let go in one night, alone; wake up the next, hope, resilience, pretence of resilience, encourage, en masse; spur, calando, spur. why? time passes so fast that we don't have the time to pause, think and realise how much hopes are we carrying on our own shoulders. how much of other people's hopes we are carrying. actually at times, it comes to a point where the mind starts wondering how much all these will affect us years later, decades later, or degrees/doctorates later. that's when i give up wondering. performed 11:16 ©
no right. performed 20:25 ©
in the middle of china's appropriation and rehabilitation policies blah blah.. pics are up; acjctrumpets @ flickr.com here http://www.flickr.com/photos/45054133@N00/ listening to, antonio carlos jobim, astrud gilberto. performed 14:32 ©
i'm scared of making decisions. as i'm typing, i'm actually thinking of the things in the past year itself that i had no choice but to call the shots in, of the things that i just refuse to be involved in, wondering why i even refuse to in the first place. thinking of what'd even happen if i didn't had a hand in things, eventually having to decide because i had to, or because of what was said before. its actually because i was scared. scared. its quite funny, cause i shouldnt even be in this state unless i knew what i really wanted from the beginning. confidence for this year will be hard to come by. looking at my academics or lack thereof, i'm peeing litres in my pants already. people say academics is not that important after all, i seconded it once, maybe still now, but i'm damn scared now. i just don't bother showing it. maybe its just the overwhelming amount of free time i'm indulging myself in, to make me to pause and even think for a bit. "Hope you will find your purpose for music and direction for life this year." chenyi, if i can follow these words of yours as closely as my lips touch the 1 1/4C megatone mpiece, i'd salute myself for fighting like a cow come december 2007. i had something like this last year round, but it didn't seem to happen too much in '06. the people weren't exactly right, i kept shifting the blames from the teachers, to the classmates, to lack of time, lack of sleep. perhaps it is really time to wake up. this so isn't the way to reach the doctorate. i'm not feeling the need for any direction or purpose right now, maybe its the ulcers. maybe this post seems immature. i don't know. haha i'd give up already. i hope i can. see what happens in twelve months. maybe you'd know what i'm even trying to paint here. for now, let the star wars trilogy and harry potter s.s. recordings swarm my head,heart&soul. quite touching to hear the tracks actually.. performed 22:26 ©
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