the music that can't be seen, but felt
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the ten minutes spent on the piano were sort of the hardest minutes throughout the practical paper and the whole exams. it was pretty much staring at all the pages, hoping to hit the right notes, hoping desperately. then the half-panting and sweating like mad thanks to the fifteen minutes on trumpet before that plus a disgusting rendition of arban. a desperate hope for the fingers to move along with the notes, but i was struggling like a cow. felt like giving up several hundred times, distracted by the many times thinking abt how the teacher went through note after note with me lingering somewhere at the back of my mind, distracted by how shitty this is, how i can forget about music as a career or passion which i can't even play music in. draining. i think when perfection starts looking unrealistic, passion will start to be doubted, heavily. things like toot suite or a small dose of 'can't take my eyes off you' or 'when the saints go marchin' in' are just a relegated consolation. hmm. just trying to be realistic. been letting my music teachers down.

things seem to be quite ironically funny when we attempt to want to care for others' lives, when we can't even handle our own; hoping to make a big difference in others' when we aren't ready to do so for ourselves.

okay tmr morning will be the start of a better day and few days or weeks. happy teachers' day!

performed 23:21 ©

alison balsom on the trumpet sounds just heartachingly beautiful. her high, close to clarino range, and even some of her low notes. and she's so young unlike dear old arturo or ageing wynton. though the only thing about her new album that i'm not very fine with is its repertoire. some songs are too similar. there are the real good ones though like paganini's caprice and arban's casta diva.

haha so it gets me wonder when i'll even be able to record an album. i think around thirty years later! sigh. talking about going to universities over dinner yesterday, the distant future doesn't seem very far. gotta get serious with my 'wife' after the A's, and serious all the way till menopause.. after that, hmm. shall see.

oh! whatsoever things is hauntingly beautiful too. mark camphouse is a genius at horn parts. musical indulgence.

performed 21:07 ©

seems like the hiatus is a goner.. haha. gp ended in a flash. although the aq and essay topics were quite interesting, plus the daily feeds are coming in slightly handy for gp. tomorrow will be a long, long day. too many war dates to remember though..sigh. at least the train-station to station running/semi-walking madness destresses..

performed 15:54 ©

reading through my two notepads trying to search for an answer to all that's happening.
and i found a couple of them. right there at the front but never once did i try to remind myself to read them for a long time. putting them there at the start of the year to remind myself, and today it did. funny how we seem to try to find excuses for this and that, for each other, for actions or inactions. i'm guilty as well.

to the kid whom i think won't even know who i'm referring to, i hope you can try to look things in the eye, face them with much more courage than i have done with things, and pull through. i wished i had understood more.

performed 22:03 ©